I Am Me

Sunday, July 3

I finally feel happy now, and I'm frustrated that I feel like I have to move on from my happiness. I know that Meijer is temporary for me, but I feel like I should not get serious about my job hunting until I've paid off all my debt from college and credit cards. I'm worried that if I start job hunting, somehow, I'll lose all the financial forwardness I've paid, and sink further and further into debt. I want to own my own house someday. But that may be when I'm 30 or 35. I'd prefer sooner rather than later, though.

Seriously though, everyone - including me (sorta) - seems to be trying to give me the ole' heave ho away from Meijer, so I can earn more and do something more career-serious-related than cashiering. What I'm afraid of is earning less at doing something I like, but never being able to make my financial commitments. I don't like feeling pressured to succeed on anyone else's schedule, though, especially my dad's theory of how my success story should go - even though he usually ends up being right. Grrr, I hate that sometimes. It's reassuring to know that if I follow what my dad says, then I'm usually better off, but seriously, shouldn't I be making mistakes so I can learn from them on my own?

I'm now at the point where I want to lose weight more than I want to eat junk food or food not on plan, but it's still tough. I still have to pass the ice cream machine every time I enter or exit my place of employment. But now, I want the ice cream cones less and less. I want to follow my goal of 2-3 pounds a week, more like 3, but officially 2.

I want to show everyone how beautiful I feel about myself and my body, the way most people (whose opinions I value) think beauty is defined.

I want to be healthy, I want energy, I want to be able to keep up with my little cousins.Why can't I have it all? I may not get to have it all, all at once, but I am one determined woman. And no one, not even myself will deny me my pursuit of happiness. Damnit.

Kim 9:20 PM |