I Am Me

Saturday, July 30

I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I have no motivation for moving forward, backward, or anywhere at all in my life right now. I don't see the point.
1) I want to give up on this "lifestyle change" called my diet. It's doing nothing but causing me stress over losing 2 pounds and gaining 2-3 back. Besides, now that I guess I'm going to be hanging out with a bunch of dykes, it doesn't matter if I have a few extra pounds. There are tons of dykes out there that are fat, so I'll still look good. I feel like I'm at a healthy weight, even though my doctor has told me that I should be about 40 pounds lighter. Ugh - this just seems like too much effort, and it's going to make me the most miserable person ever. Besides, I'm getting really sick of food period. Not even just the "diet" food, but it's like I look at food, and I see calories, I see fat, and I feel nauseous. Food is now gross.
2) I used to date this 29 year old chick who did retail work and I kinda thought that made her somewhat of a loser, because she hadn't got a "real" job yet. Now, I'm back in the dating scene as a 22 year old and I'm doing the retail thing too. The only point of me staying at Meijer is that it pays so well, it's helping me pay off my credit card debts. But, I might as well shoot myself if I decide to stay there forever. So, I know I have to get out of Meijer.
3) I don't know what the point is of me trying to find someone to date. I just want someone to hold me when I cry, someone to curl up next to at night, someday enjoy a fireplace with that person, and be able to share and enjoy the things I already enjoy with this person. Yeah I've got sexual needs, who doesn't? But I really don't need much...I enjoy being tickled, a lot; I like to be held, and touched. I feel starved for personal attention when it comes to the sense of touch. I crave touching. I really like it when someone calls me "hon", or something, with affection. "Babe" is not okay, but maybe you understand what I mean.
4) I just don't seem to care anymore, why should I get up and do anything in the morning? What's the point?

I used to be so driven, so motivated, I would accomplish things, get shit done, etc. But all my accomplishments seem to feel worthless, in the long run. Like it's no big fucking deal that I've survived my parents' divorce, I've played volleyball for 8 years, I have some wonderful familial relationships, I've donated blood, I've practically got a college degree. This all seems so worthless, so pointless, like why the fuck did I do all this shit? What's it ever going to do for me?

I guess I feel like I put out all this energy, and get nothing in return. Well, not nothing. But whatever I do get, it's so not enough for me.

Blah-humbug.

Kim 11:45 PM |