I Am Me

Saturday, July 30

I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I have no motivation for moving forward, backward, or anywhere at all in my life right now. I don't see the point.
1) I want to give up on this "lifestyle change" called my diet. It's doing nothing but causing me stress over losing 2 pounds and gaining 2-3 back. Besides, now that I guess I'm going to be hanging out with a bunch of dykes, it doesn't matter if I have a few extra pounds. There are tons of dykes out there that are fat, so I'll still look good. I feel like I'm at a healthy weight, even though my doctor has told me that I should be about 40 pounds lighter. Ugh - this just seems like too much effort, and it's going to make me the most miserable person ever. Besides, I'm getting really sick of food period. Not even just the "diet" food, but it's like I look at food, and I see calories, I see fat, and I feel nauseous. Food is now gross.
2) I used to date this 29 year old chick who did retail work and I kinda thought that made her somewhat of a loser, because she hadn't got a "real" job yet. Now, I'm back in the dating scene as a 22 year old and I'm doing the retail thing too. The only point of me staying at Meijer is that it pays so well, it's helping me pay off my credit card debts. But, I might as well shoot myself if I decide to stay there forever. So, I know I have to get out of Meijer.
3) I don't know what the point is of me trying to find someone to date. I just want someone to hold me when I cry, someone to curl up next to at night, someday enjoy a fireplace with that person, and be able to share and enjoy the things I already enjoy with this person. Yeah I've got sexual needs, who doesn't? But I really don't need much...I enjoy being tickled, a lot; I like to be held, and touched. I feel starved for personal attention when it comes to the sense of touch. I crave touching. I really like it when someone calls me "hon", or something, with affection. "Babe" is not okay, but maybe you understand what I mean.
4) I just don't seem to care anymore, why should I get up and do anything in the morning? What's the point?

I used to be so driven, so motivated, I would accomplish things, get shit done, etc. But all my accomplishments seem to feel worthless, in the long run. Like it's no big fucking deal that I've survived my parents' divorce, I've played volleyball for 8 years, I have some wonderful familial relationships, I've donated blood, I've practically got a college degree. This all seems so worthless, so pointless, like why the fuck did I do all this shit? What's it ever going to do for me?

I guess I feel like I put out all this energy, and get nothing in return. Well, not nothing. But whatever I do get, it's so not enough for me.

Blah-humbug.

Kim 11:45 PM |

Wednesday, July 27

This posting is about the movie called The Take. To my knowledge, it is not available to be sold in the United States. My dad had to buy this movie from Canada for us to be able to watch it.

In Argentina, the workers themselves deciding to occupy their now closed-down factories. Their slogan? Occupy. Resist. Produce. My dad talks about how unbelievable it is that the workers had the nerve, the courage, the follow-through to take over the factories, in their 3-year moment of despair and poverty. For me, I have faith that one must do what is necessary to survive. I can totally see this happening - that the ex-workers would come back, and make the factories work for them. Half the country was living below the poverty line. Not only is that ridiculous, of course, but it is also a catalyst for change. People do things they normally wouldn't do under extraordinary circumstances, such as those in Buenos Aires.

However, to start something so difficult and huge, requires not only courage in oneself, but moreso it requires faith in your fellow workers to do what is necessary. It means actually working while on the clock, and no dancing around, wasting time until your next break, lunch, or smoke. It means working as hard as you can, using the least amount of resources necessary, so as to save them for when you run low. It means having faith in the community that they will support your efforts, by giving you opportunities, contacts, support, and a chance. It means something collective. For something like this to take place, the entire community must be in need for such a change to occur. Working without bosses, and working where everyone gets the same salary, and working where the best is expected of everyone (and other workers actually chastise you for not working to the best of your ability), and being ecstatic that one is even simply employed, bringing home money to buy food to feed their families and children - this could only happen if the community agrees together, without strong dissent, that this is worth it.

This all sounds good, in principle, and so far, it looks good in action, too. I was stunned, though, by the level of violence such economic policies incite. I was stunned that not only were people injured and killed over protesting the workers evicted from closed factories, but that these people were willing to risk their lives for such a thing. People were hurt, badly. All this pain, is it worth it? Where does this courage come from to keep going and keep fighting for what is right?

It comes from faith. Faith in oneself, faith in one's Higher Power, faith in one's neighbors, and faith in each and every co-worker that we all will do our best to accomplish this, no matter what it takes, because the option of doing nothing is no option at all. Giving up, means not surviving. Without jobs, without any sort of access to a bank, without any sort of real financial support, no family will live to see the next year. No child will get to celebrate their next birthday. No father will get to see the smile on his child's face. No mother will be able to tell her daughter I love you. Argentina, and any society that accepts the option of giving in, will ultimately die out.

"We are the mirror to look into. The mistake to avoid. Argentina is the waste that remains of a globalized country. We are where the rest of the world is going."

"Failure is not an option." This great quote only really seems applicable, in my opinion, when failure means death or serious bodily harm. I do believe sometimes, that one ordinary person can be reduced to a savage, in order to survive; alternatively, that ordinary person is also capable of becoming someone great and accomplishing something real. I know I am afraid of being ordinary, and remaining ordinary for life. I think being anything for life, could be quite boring and uneventful.

Failure can be an option and could create new opportunities for personal growth and development, also known as character. I know we all say we've had enough of character, and that we don't need any more of it, so why else is failure great? I think failure can be beneficial, when it doesn't involve serious bodily harm or death. If, for example, we are talking about someone failing a test, being fired from a job, breaking someone's heart, having your own heart broken, these are all things that, while painful, will, yes, build character, and be a positive change for personal growth and development. I know there are failures, and then there are FAILURES. Even failing college, I have (painfully) learned, is not the end of the world. There is more to life than what you have done, are doing now, or think you will be doing tomorrow. There has to be something better, or there's no point in changing your current existence.

Let me take a very specific example of failure: my diet and my ability to lose/maintain/keep off weight. I know that only by doing nothing towards achieving a more healthy lifestyle will not necessarily result in death, but it may result in serious bodily harm. I know diabetes & heart disease, etc. is not the end of the world, but I consider it to be serious bodily harm, for me. However, I do also acknowledge there is more to life than dieting.

But, for me, getting through one day of my diet successfully (i.e. not falling off-plan) means I can grant myself another iota of self-respect and pride. It allows me to feel good about myself, because I'm doing something that benefits my body, and my temple, my soul. I know that may seem like a lot of pressure for me to apply to myself, but this is how I feel.

Maybe one day, (if I can maintain a healthy eating lifestyle) I will be treated with the same respect as vegetarians and vegans. When someone says they are vegan, for example, people may ask why, and they may suggest that this vegan have some beef or something. What the general public doesn't do, is then turn around and make fun of vegans all day or chastise them for being vegan. This is what society does do at the moment, with fat people. You tell them something isn't healthy, and that they should have some of it, and they won't get hurt. Then, they gain 5-10 pounds after listening to your advice, and get frustrated and hurt emotionally, when you then come back with, hey lookin a little rounder around the edges, eh?

I don't understand society's logic.
i) Have a donut with your coffee; it won't hurt you.
ii) Hey, you might want to try a bigger size on those pants.
iii) Oooo, I saw that. You better spit that cheesecake out.
iv) Hey, why are you having a salad? What's wrong with a cheeseburger?
v) I don't get it. What are these Roman numerals for anyways? Here, have a piece of cake; it'll ease my confusion.

What the fuck, people? I'm kicking you out of my head. I'll do what I want, and I refuse your judgements and condemnations. So there!

Somehow, I feel more mature than all of you, my peasant friends. Mwah ha ha ha ha!

Kim 1:48 AM |

Sunday, July 3

I finally feel happy now, and I'm frustrated that I feel like I have to move on from my happiness. I know that Meijer is temporary for me, but I feel like I should not get serious about my job hunting until I've paid off all my debt from college and credit cards. I'm worried that if I start job hunting, somehow, I'll lose all the financial forwardness I've paid, and sink further and further into debt. I want to own my own house someday. But that may be when I'm 30 or 35. I'd prefer sooner rather than later, though.

Seriously though, everyone - including me (sorta) - seems to be trying to give me the ole' heave ho away from Meijer, so I can earn more and do something more career-serious-related than cashiering. What I'm afraid of is earning less at doing something I like, but never being able to make my financial commitments. I don't like feeling pressured to succeed on anyone else's schedule, though, especially my dad's theory of how my success story should go - even though he usually ends up being right. Grrr, I hate that sometimes. It's reassuring to know that if I follow what my dad says, then I'm usually better off, but seriously, shouldn't I be making mistakes so I can learn from them on my own?

I'm now at the point where I want to lose weight more than I want to eat junk food or food not on plan, but it's still tough. I still have to pass the ice cream machine every time I enter or exit my place of employment. But now, I want the ice cream cones less and less. I want to follow my goal of 2-3 pounds a week, more like 3, but officially 2.

I want to show everyone how beautiful I feel about myself and my body, the way most people (whose opinions I value) think beauty is defined.

I want to be healthy, I want energy, I want to be able to keep up with my little cousins.Why can't I have it all? I may not get to have it all, all at once, but I am one determined woman. And no one, not even myself will deny me my pursuit of happiness. Damnit.

Kim 9:20 PM |