I Am Me

Sunday, February 27

I hate clothes shopping. It's demoralizing. When I walk into the store, the only facet of me to be judged is my size. I am so much more than just a number, and yet, when I'm shopping for clothes, a number is all I can be, and a big one at that.

Tomorrow is the resumation of the rest of my life. I need motivation, badly. I feel like I have to turn into this shell of my former self, in order to succeed at this lifestyle change. I want to lose this weight so badly, because it's not who I am. I don't identify by size, unless I have to go shopping. I have so many things I want to accomplish, and I think the only way to accomplish them is to revert into autopilot. I will do these things, I will succeed, but I can't think about my emotions behind these activities, as long as I know these are still things I want to win at. I can't win and be emotional all the time. It doesn't work. Since the beginning of 2005, all I've thought about are my emotions, and I'm tired of it. I want to win. At something. I deserve it.

Some people think I share too much of myself with the world, and sometimes, I think I don't share enough. Sometimes I think the only genuine feelings I have are negative ones. But whatever.

I'm off to go do what I gotta do, and the only way to accomplish these necessary objectives right now, is to ignore myself, or at least, ignore my feelings.

If you want a conversation with me about genuine feelings, talk to me in 6 months after most of my short term goals have been met. My feelings will be back from their long overdue vacation at that point.

Yay, spring break.....

Kim 3:37 PM |