I Am Me

Saturday, February 12

I am so sick and tired of everyone thinking stupid thoughts about bisexuality and me, especially.

People think they shouldn't get too close to me, because "I'll definitely get something out of it" even in terms of my friendships. Do you know what it feels like when your friends don't want to hug you, because you might "cop a feel"? Do you know how it feels when people are afraid to touch you?!?! It makes me very sad.... I never get to be close with anyone. Even my friends don't understand me. Not even until last night did I feel slightly validated when one of my friends said I was a flaming bi(sexual).

This brings up another point. People think that I'm a closeted lesbian. I never once came out as a lesbian, except once after having 7 shots of vodka in under an hour, and even then I don't remember anything I did or said, because I blacked out. Besides, from what I was told, I also said I liked everything and everyone, so that means I'm NOT a lesbian, right? Besides, I don't need to keep explaining myself to the world, do I? Grrr, this is SO frustrating! Everyone is so ignorant when it comes to bisexuality. I sorta feel like I have to explain to the world, not only what bisexuality is, but how it specifically applies to me. Which is not a fair burden to ask of me, frankly. It's like asking an African-American to represent the entire African-American community/culture, which is a bit racist, I think. So, frankly, I think the way I've been treated, as a bisexual student on my campus, is a bit biphobic. Hey look. I had to friggin' define a new term just to describe another bisexual issue. Big fucking surprise. There aren't enough words in the english language to describe the depression I felt last night, after being at the biggest queer party I've been to since the Chicago Gay Pride Parade last summer.

I'm never going to find someone who satisfies my bisexual urges, and I'm going to die alone. I'm going to be a fag hag for life. I'm never going to accomplish anything as long as I remain bisexual. Last night made me wish I wasn't me anymore, like I wished I was somebody else. Somebody straight. Fuck me running - I don't want to be straight. But last night made me feel not so much ashamed but hopeless due to my bisexuality, that threw me through a loop, which I didn't expect.

And, even though I'm not a closeted lesbian, people think I can't be monogamous. Because my urges are for people of "both" sexes (there are really more than 2, if you've ever investigated intersexuality and the different chromosome mixes), people think that I can't ever be satisified by a relationship with one person at a time, a relationship with one person for a long term commitment.

Anybody have ANY comments?! Please PLEASE PLEASE tell me something. Anything.

Kim 11:25 AM |