I Am Me

Monday, January 31

Jesus Fucking Christ.

I can't do this anymore. I hate that everyone seems to think my problems aren't that serious. I hate that I can't function like a normal human being anymore. I hate that I cry, all the time. I hate the thoughts that run through my head, all the time. I hate the apathy of my friends. I hate that no one gives hugs anymore without a reason. I hate that I'm starved for affection. I hate that I don't know why. I hate that I don't know why I'm so upset all the time, and why I cry all the time, and why no one will give me one goddamn hug when they see me, without me having to beg them for one.

Are we such a society brainwashed into being paranoid that people will judge us on our ability to care for others? That you'll be punished for caring about me? I think I honestly feel like people only care about me when they have to. Is it such a chore, am I really too much of a bother, a burden to everyone that it requires too much effort for them to muster a hug, a "Hey, you look upset, what's wrong?" when I'm not yet to the point of tears but still feel like shit, a little fucking support from anyone?!?!

I feel so alone so often. I know I'm not alone, I know this because after what I'm dubbing my "Black Wednesday," many people have told me I'm not alone. But it seems they are only there for me if I was suddenly about to be gone. What about beforehand? Does it really take an actual physical attempt at suicide for people to stand up and tell me they care? If I just think these thoughts of suicide, but don't actually attempt it, physically, does it justify not caring about me? Not giving me a hug every now and then? Not showing me a little bit of love? Come on people. Do I have to get all Jerry Maguire on you? Seriously. How bad do I have to feel inside, how bad does my heart have to break before people wake up and act on their compassion for me?

I don't want to kill myself. Not today, not right now anyways. Rest assured, you goddamned motherfucking procrastinators. If you don't show me a little bit of love for me today, I will still be here tomorrow.

I may be here, but will it matter? Not to me, not hardly anymore.

People may say I only act this melodramatic when I don't get enough sleep, or when I go off my meds. Then they feel it's okay to blow off my emotions. Because, my emotions aren't true when I don't sleep. Apparently, I feel fake untrue emotions when I go off my meds, or stay up past 2 or 3am.

How stupid does that sound to you? Hopefully, you realize IT'S NOT OKAY TO BLOW OFF ME AND MY EMOTIONS NO MATTER WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STATE I'M IN.

True, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night, and I'm being weened off my meds, so I can start a new type of medication in a couple weeks.

BUT-I still feel these emotions, and I still need to be loved. Actually now more than before, since I'm entering a state of mind without any medicinal assistance.

How loudly do I need to scream for people who care about me, for my friends, to sit up, take notice, and then ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING.

The apathy I was previously referring was partly about politics and being an activist in general. But, moreso, I think it was about people not just simply recognizing there's a problem (with society or with me) but actually acting on that realization.

I'm late for math class. Don't worry, I'll still be here tomorrow. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Kim 8:44 AM |