I Am Me

Monday, January 31

Jesus Fucking Christ.

I can't do this anymore. I hate that everyone seems to think my problems aren't that serious. I hate that I can't function like a normal human being anymore. I hate that I cry, all the time. I hate the thoughts that run through my head, all the time. I hate the apathy of my friends. I hate that no one gives hugs anymore without a reason. I hate that I'm starved for affection. I hate that I don't know why. I hate that I don't know why I'm so upset all the time, and why I cry all the time, and why no one will give me one goddamn hug when they see me, without me having to beg them for one.

Are we such a society brainwashed into being paranoid that people will judge us on our ability to care for others? That you'll be punished for caring about me? I think I honestly feel like people only care about me when they have to. Is it such a chore, am I really too much of a bother, a burden to everyone that it requires too much effort for them to muster a hug, a "Hey, you look upset, what's wrong?" when I'm not yet to the point of tears but still feel like shit, a little fucking support from anyone?!?!

I feel so alone so often. I know I'm not alone, I know this because after what I'm dubbing my "Black Wednesday," many people have told me I'm not alone. But it seems they are only there for me if I was suddenly about to be gone. What about beforehand? Does it really take an actual physical attempt at suicide for people to stand up and tell me they care? If I just think these thoughts of suicide, but don't actually attempt it, physically, does it justify not caring about me? Not giving me a hug every now and then? Not showing me a little bit of love? Come on people. Do I have to get all Jerry Maguire on you? Seriously. How bad do I have to feel inside, how bad does my heart have to break before people wake up and act on their compassion for me?

I don't want to kill myself. Not today, not right now anyways. Rest assured, you goddamned motherfucking procrastinators. If you don't show me a little bit of love for me today, I will still be here tomorrow.

I may be here, but will it matter? Not to me, not hardly anymore.

People may say I only act this melodramatic when I don't get enough sleep, or when I go off my meds. Then they feel it's okay to blow off my emotions. Because, my emotions aren't true when I don't sleep. Apparently, I feel fake untrue emotions when I go off my meds, or stay up past 2 or 3am.

How stupid does that sound to you? Hopefully, you realize IT'S NOT OKAY TO BLOW OFF ME AND MY EMOTIONS NO MATTER WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STATE I'M IN.

True, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night, and I'm being weened off my meds, so I can start a new type of medication in a couple weeks.

BUT-I still feel these emotions, and I still need to be loved. Actually now more than before, since I'm entering a state of mind without any medicinal assistance.

How loudly do I need to scream for people who care about me, for my friends, to sit up, take notice, and then ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING.

The apathy I was previously referring was partly about politics and being an activist in general. But, moreso, I think it was about people not just simply recognizing there's a problem (with society or with me) but actually acting on that realization.

I'm late for math class. Don't worry, I'll still be here tomorrow. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Kim 8:44 AM |

Sunday, January 30

Take note:

Today, the 50th anniversary of the assassination of Mahatma Gandhi, ironically, coincides with the "free elections" in Iraq.

In honor of Gandhi's death, I will do at least one nonviolent peaceful protest of something today.

In honor of Iraq's first "free election" in a long-ass time, I will voice my opinion and then duck for cover, for someone will surely shoot my ass for speaking.

Take heart, everyone. All is not lost, not yet. As long as there are people willing to risk everything to change the world...all is not lost, not yet.

Kim 7:01 AM |

Ok, well, this sucks. I expected better, from you people, honestly.

Why doesn't anyone go the extra mile, like me? Doesn't anybody care (as much as I do) about anything anymore? Is apathy that rampant? Come on people, I didn't think I was this unique. I can't possibly be the only one here who actually gives a damn...can I?

I stand for many things, and I speak against many policies. Maybe that makes me a bitch. Maybe that makes me troublesome. Maybe that makes me a marked target for persecution. Maybe everyone will hate me if I continue to disagree with the status quo.

Maybe I don't give a damn what that makes me.

Whatever happens to me, at least I will have recognized the power of one voice, and used it. When is the last time any one of you has voiced your opinion, taken a stand, stood for something, done anything? I'm sick and tired of excuses and people telling me they just don't have the time.

The time is now. If not now, when? Tomorrow? The next day? Ten years from now? Whenever something happens that might directly affect your own welfare or the welfare of someone you love? Too bad, procrastinators. Because if you wait until the shit hits the fan, it's already too late. You can't protect anyone, even yourself, from the immediate rebound when the shit sprays back down from the fan. If you haven't already ducked for cover, warned anyone, or maybe (even better) done something to prevent the shit from hitting the fan in the first place, then the whole world gets shitted on. And the clean-up will suck too. Especially if the apathy continues and no one wants to clean up the shit-speckled room? Could you imagine the stench after 2 days? 2 weeks? A month? A year?

Just because someone else may have started the shit-bomb, doesn't mean you wait around forever for them to clean it up. Do something. Organize. Delegate. Lead people.

For everyone's sake, just wake up, and realize these problems & issues will not take care of themselves.

Many people probably are wondering at this point, why should I take on the responsibility of something that affects so many people, if they won't even care enough to do something themselves?

Hey. This brings me back to my original question. Doesn't anyone want to go the extra mile? Accomplish something extra in their lifetimes? Affect change in society somehow?

Don't you people care anymore?

I refuse to carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I'm just asking for someone to help me carry the load.

Who's with me?

For serious?

Kim 4:18 AM |

Wednesday, January 26

Alright, I don't know if the problems I've had to endure lately mitigate my terrible performance in my classes, or if I should feel more guilty about being such a lame-o. So, I guess it's time for a list of my problems. This should be interesting, seeing as I've just taken my sleep aid, so my typing might be a bit off. Yay for spell-check.

About 3 weeks ago, I had a car accident that totalled my car, but physically, I was fine.

About 2 weeks ago, I started getting really sick. Terrible cough, sore throat, you know - the works.

About 1 week ago, I get my PUG in the mail, telling me I'm failing a class in my major. A few days later, I get so depressed, overdramatize, and begin to freak out about my future as an 80 year old wrinkly bald headed woman with acne scars and pimples riddling my face, my body being 400 pounds, and my job consisting of flipping burgers at a burger joint - simply from failing this one test in this one class in this one day of my life.

At this point, I get so messed up, I seriously considered suicide, because I figured I'd be putting my future self out of my present misery...or something like that. If you really want to know more, ask me.

Since then, I've hardly been able to sleep at all, especially when I'm supposed to - at night, as opposed to when I'm not supposed to - in class the next day. I've pulled about 3 all nighters since last Wednesday, and the nights I've not stayed up all night, I got drunk instead.

Meanwhile, I've gotten hardly anything done, I'm more stressed than I felt a couple of days ago, and I just lack the motivation to do anything. I've got senioritis so bad, you could have me medically diagnosed.

Alls I want to do is simply hang out with my teachers, participate in class, without having to be held accountable. I want to spend time hanging out with my friends while I've still got them this year. I want to read half a bazillion books that I've interlibrary loaned and been forced to renew at least twice, since I've not even cracked them open yet.

Oh but I promised my counselor, Debbie, that I'd go to sleep by midnight. And oh look, It's 12:36AM. Well, this definitely means I should be going to bed.

I heart my bed. My room is my little safe haven...and courtesy of 2 of my favorite friends, it's now been dubbed "The Womb Room," because the temperature and the atmosphere feel as warm and comfy as a womb.

Sniff. I'm so proud of myself sometimes. And then other times, I wonder why I bother, or how come people don't care as much about me as I do?

Well, I've absolutely GOT to go to bed.

Peace,
Kimmers

Kim 12:39 AM |

Tuesday, January 25

I think the fate of gay characters in American literature, plays, films, is the same as the fate of all characters who are sexually free. You must pay. You must suffer. If you're a woman who commits adultery, you're only put out in the storm. If you're a woman who has another woman, you'd better go hang yourself. It's a question of degree, and certainly if you're gay, you have to do real penance--die.

~Arthur Laurents, Screenwriter

By now, the pattern was clear. Characters of questionable sexuality would meet with a nasty end in the last reel.

The Boys in the Band
Making Love
Cruising

Mainstream people dislike homosexuality because they can't help concentrating on what homosexual men do to one another. And when you contemplate what people do you think of yourself doing it and they don't like that.

That's the famous joke: I don't like peas and I'm glad I don't like them because if I liked them I would eat them and I hate them.

Americans, perhaps, are more scared of their sexuality. They're prepared to show violence of all kinds but when it comes to sexuality America is both very self-righteous, and tries to bury it as if it didn't exist.

I don't think, for better or worse, that women are taken very seriously in this area. I think the feeling is, if two women are together, then it's probably experimental or some kind of phase, and if the right guy came along that would all change. So it's something that straight men can watch and not be threatened by. And straight men are the ones that are propelling the industry forward so I don't think it's taken that seriously.

We all end up choosing who we're gonna be in love with the rest of our lives. It seems that's what we're all searching for. Andy found Miguel. Miguel found Andy. That's a love that is borne out of everything that goes into two people deciding to be with each other. It's forged through time. It's a constant--the speed of light. I think that's what Philadelphia is saying. It is all the same. Love is spelled with the same four letters.
~Tom Hanks

The movies could be making us laugh a lot more and cry a lot more if they would actually acknowledge the true diversity of humanity.

***All from The Celluloid Closet***

Kim 3:24 AM |

Friday, January 21

Well, I've actually figured out how to successfully pull off an all-nighter. The secret is to grab a 2-hour nap in the early evening, before 8 or so. I've literally been up all night; it's now almost 5:30. You'd think I'd be up, being productive, contributing to the welfare of my education in some way, right?

Wrong.

The truth is, I've been perusing some very liberal, activist-type websites, and buying stuff online. I tend to soothe my bruised self with shopping, alcohol, or sleep. Since I refuse to drink before a math test, or on a school night for that matter, AND I had too much homework to get extra sleep, I chose shopping...

I found this awesome website that has a bazillion types of buttons! I'm hoping to convince PRISM, the Augustana Gay/Straight Alliance, to contingency SGA so we can buy these in mass quantities. We could sell them for $1 each and make a bundle!

I also found some T-shirts. I couldn't decide on which color, green or red, so I got both. Whichever one doesn't look as good on me, I'll give to my favorite sister.

My sister, Jenny, is the most awesome friend I've ever been lucky to know and have on my side. We got each other's backs, which is quite reassuring, especially when it comes to family matters. But that's a story for another day. If I could, though, I wish I could give her a bunch of money so she could go wherever she wants, do whatever she wants, and change the world. Jenny stands firm in the face of stubborn oppression, and is such a saavy woman. I guess that's the best word to describe her: saavy. She's only 23, but I think she will change the world.

I don't think us young people (ages 18-29) give ourselves enough credit when it comes to the amount of power we wield. Especially in politics. Now, yesterday, (although it feels like it still today, because I've not been to bed) was depressing. Yes, George Walker Bush was inaugurated as President of the United States of America. Yes, this election was a lot "more legal" than the one in 2000.

BUT. Oh yeah. There's a big interjection coming up here.

But: He does not have a mandate. He does not have the support of the entire country behind him. Contrary to the rumor popularized by the media, his evangelical fundamentalist religion is not supported by 80% of the country. (don't ask me where I heard that statistic. I don't remember.) In fact, there's a lot we can do, and more importantly, SHOULD DO, to prevent the next 4 years from destroying the Constitution, depleting our economic & human resources, and eviscerating the hopeful, dynamic spirit of change.

1. Start a grassroots campaign.
2. Speak up, in the face of bigotry & oppression. Stand up to the prevalent Republican presence in your local community.
3. Run for office.
4. Write to everyone. Your senators, representatives, governors, mayors, aldermen/women, the editor of your newspaper, the oppressors themselves (they need to hear that they don't have support of everyone to make their decisions over the general public.)
5. Vote. Don't wait 'til 2008. In 2006, we have some congressional elections. That's very important to preventing the passage of bills and amendments that otherwise might get through if one political party rules more than one branch of government. Not to mention, don't forget to vote in your local elections!
6. Don't be that one bad example every right-winger will point at as the representative of all liberals. Don't be violent, or break the law. Don't be physically hurting others. Fight hate with love. An eye for an eye was never a good idea - the cycle of vengeance will never end.
7. Be honest. Don't tell any person you're ok with something if you're not. It will be that much harder later on to convince that person of your true convictions.
8. Don't just talk the talk. Wearing buttons proclaiming your position is not enough. DO SOMETHING.
9. Sleep. You'll never accomplish much of anything if you never get enough sleep. Coming from someone who's been up all night, I can vouch for the veracity of this statement. It's now almost 6am, and I'm still typing. Sheesh. This goes for the rest of your body too - respect your health needs.
10. Network! It's fun, you bond with people, and learn new things. Not to mention, it's practically guaranteed to pay off in the future!

Alright. Enough's enough! I better get crackin' on my homework or I will have pulled an all-nighter for no reason.

Tell me how you've change society/one person/yourself recently. I need some inspiration.

~Kimmers

Kim 5:24 AM |

Thursday, January 20

Tonight was the scaredest I've felt in a long time. I almost decided to OD on my meds. I know I have a lot going on in my life. I'm failing a class, potentially not graduating, and , of course, hugely in debt. There's more to life than what I can accomplish. I think my biggest goal is to affect people.

It's so strange. I've been very passionate about math for so long, I never questioned why I had this passion, or where it originated. Now, looking back, I realize that I will never enjoy math again, not the way I used to. I used to like math because it was easy, I understood it, and it was easy. Now, there is no croncreteness to the high-level math I'm attempting to study. So, it's lost all its pizzaaz. Then, I wanted to be an accountant, simply because it was easy wnough, but I lacked the passion to continue. Now, I wish I was studing sociology, social welfare, and women/gender studies. Oh, if only I could take these 4 years back....

I'm really grateful to have my daddy in my life. He really was there for me tonight, said exactly what I needed to hear, and made me believe it was possible to not only survive this era of my life, but excel in diferent ways.

Although I'll be really busy for a Thursday, I wanted to leave y'all with some type of interesting reflection. Well, I'm being a slacker, once again, so big-surprise. I'm just gonna tell you about my dad's safety slogan for his workplace. "If you die at work today, your spouse will get to spend your 401K."

Cracked me up. It's hilarious.

Well, talk to y'all later.

Peace, Kimmers

Kim 3:14 AM |

Wednesday, January 19

One of my new favorite songs, that inspires me to live my life for me, myself, and I, and nobody else. If I'm alone or not, I will always have myself. And that means I can do/be/have anything I want, as long as I really really want it.

What If © 2003, Rachael Sage/Flying Dybbuk Music, BMI

what if there's no one
who I would put up with?
what if there's no one
who'd put up with me?
what if I'm destined
to always remain alone?
what if this question
is as selfish as it seems

and I scream to myself
like a thunder clapping cloud
and it rains in my heart
till my goddess builds an ark and she
fills it with all the animals that
she can possibly find still she's
bleeding... still she's pleading inside

what if there's no one
who recognizes
me in their mirror
me in their past, in their glass?
what if I'm destined
to only see myself
in my own reflection
instead of love's eyelash...

and I scream to myself
like a thunder clapping cloud
and it rains in my heart
till my goddess builds an ark and she
fills it with all the animals that
she can possibly find still she's
bleeding... still she's pleading inside

what if there's no one
who I would put up with?
what if there's no one
who'd put up with me?
what if I'm destined
to always remain alone?
what if this questionis as STUPID as it seems
(ah na na na, ah na na na...etc.)

Kim 5:58 PM |

Friday, January 14

I'm feeling very introspective today. It's like I can feel my heart getting bigger by the moment. I'm kinda in a very Zen-like state right now, what with my vanilla-scented candle burning softly next to me, while I type to the song by SONiA called Me, too. It's very light-a-candle-and-sway-in-a-huge-crowd-while-we-all-focus-on-what's-not-right kind of a moment.

I saw Amelie, the movie, for the first time, a couple days ago. I thought it was hilarious! But it made me want to either be her, or at least date her. That Amelie cracked me up. I've been passing around some awesome music to people everywhere on campus. It's a compilation of 4 different albums:

Being Out Rocks!
1) Angel by Sarah McLachlan
2) Summerfling by k.d. lang
3) Shine by Cyndi Lauper
4) California by Rufus Wainwright
5) In or Out by Ani DiFranco --> this one is one of my absolute favorites!
6) Society's child by Janis Ian
7) First Time I Ever Saw Your Face by Sam Harris
8) Me, too by SONiA
9) Remember Who You Are by Suede
10) Kiss That Counted by Catie Curtis
11) Topaz by the B52's
12) Soundonsound by Bob Mould
13) Is This The World We Created? by Queen
14) Driving Wheel by Cris Williamson
15) Are You Out There? by Dar Williams
16) Say Goodbye by Matt Zarley
17) ihate.com by the Butchies
18) Bella Morena by Jade Esteban Estrada
19) How Many? by Taylor Dayne
20) Alive by Kevin Aviance
21) I Am What I Am by Harvey Fierstein --> another one of my favorites!

more albums to come later...

Kim 1:04 PM |

So, in addition to still not finishing that goddamned religion paper that was due last Friday, I didn't prepare anything else for today. I didn't write my Learning Journal for religion, didn't read the reading for religion, haven't done any accounting homework, still need to make up that quiz I missed on Wednesday, and let's not even discuss how much time this week I should have spent on math homework, and studying, that I just didn't.

And on top of everything, I think I just coughed up a hairball.

Yay for being sick. Erg.

Kim 8:10 AM |

Well, I'll just say it. I am bisexual. That is, only if you're the kind of person into labeling others, dichotomizing personalities... Me? I'd rather view life without the boxes and limitations of categories. It only tells people what they are capable of, not giving them the respect that maybe there might be something more out there for them than society is comfortable believing.

But sometimes, I too, just want to know...is he gay? is she bi? But I think it's only cause I feel more comfortable with people who identify with the generic "Queer" label. (i.e. GLBT folk) Once people stop questioning their sexuality and are open about it, I find it so much more comfortable to be around them. I feel like they must be more liberally-minded, and welcoming of me, if they too, are of a certain persuasion.

Let me know if you care...
Peace,
Kimmers

Kim 7:33 AM |