I Am Me

Sunday, May 2

American Beauty Quotes

Usually, a movie only has a few good quotes. American Beauty is quite the exception, though. These quotes represent almost the entire script. Enjoy it. . . I know I did!

My name is Lester Burnham. This is my life. I’m 42 years old. In less than a year, I’ll be dead. Of course, I don’t know that yet. And in a way, I’m dead already.

That’s my wife Carolyn. See the way the handle on those pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That’s not an accident.

Our daughter, Jane. Only child. Jane’s a pretty typical teenager. Anger, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that’s all going to pass, but I don’t want to lie to her.

-Jane, honey, are you trying to look unattractive?
-Yes.
-Congratulations, you’ve succeeded admirably.

Both my wife and my daughter think I’m this gigantic loser. And they’re right. I have lost something. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I know I didn’t always feel this . . . sedated. But you know what? It’s never too late to get it back.

-There is no decision. You just write the damn thing.
-You don’t think it’s weird and kind of fascist?
-Possibly. But you don’t want to be unemployed.
-Well, all right. Let’s just all sell our souls and work for Satan ‘cause it’s more convenient that way.

-Their sycamore? Come on. A substantial portion of the root structure was on our property. I wouldn’t have the heart to just cut down something if it wasn’t partially mine, which, of course, it was.

-The ad said this pool was lagoon-like. There’s nothing lagoon-like about it. Except for maybe the bugs. There aren’t even any plants out here.
-What do you call this? Is this not a plant? If you have a problem with the plants, I can always call my landscape architect. Solved.
-I think “lagoon”, I think waterfall, tropical. This is a cement hole. Uh, I have some tiki torches in the garage.

-Could he be any more . . . pathetic?
-I think he’s sweet. And I think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time.

-It’s the weirdest thing. I feel like I’ve been in a coma for about 20 years . . . and I’m just now waking up.

-Spec-tac-ular

-What’s new in the world, Dad?
-This country is going straight to hell.

-Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood. It’s nice to meet you. This is my partner, Jim Berkeley.
-Let’s cut to the chase, ok? What are you guys selling?
-Nothing, we just wanted to say hi to our new neighbors.
-You said you’re partners, so what’s your business?
-Well, he is a tax attorney, and I am an anesthesiologist.

-How come these faggots always have to rub it in your face? How can they be so shameless?
-That’s the whole thing, Dad. They don’t feel that’s anything to be ashamed of.
-Well, it is.
-Yeah, you’re right.
-Don’t placate me like I’m your mother, boy.
-Forgive me, sir, for speaking so bluntly, but those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out.
-Well, me too, son. Yeah. Me too.

-So, did you do it with him?
-Of course I did. He’s a really well known photographer. It would’ve been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down.
-You are a total prostitute.
-Hey, that’s how things really are. You just don’t know because you’re this pampered little suburban chick.
-So are you. You’ve only been in Seventeen once, and you looked fat. So stop acting like you’re goddamn Christy Turlington!
-Cunt! . . . I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.

-And then one day, he was just, like, gone. And then Connie Cardullo told me that his parents had to put him in a mental institution.
-Why, what did he do?
-What do you mean?
-Well, they can’t put you away just for saying weird things.
-You total slut. You’ve got a crush on him. You want to have like 10,000 of his babies.

-Hi, my name is Ricky. I just moved in next door to you.
-I know. I kind of remember this creepy incident where you were filing me last night?
-I didn’t mean to scare you. I just think you’re interesting.
-Thanks, but I really don’t need to have some psycho obsessing about me right now.
-I’m not obsessing, I’m just curious.

-He’s like so confident. That can’t be real.
-I don’t believe him. I mean, he didn’t even, like, look at me, once.

-Honey, do me a favor and say whatever you want to say and spare me the propaganda.

-Honey, don’t be weird.
-All right, honey, I won’t be weird. I’ll be whatever you want me to be . . . We have a very healthy relationship. Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I need a drink.

-Do you party?
-Excuse me?
-Do you get high?

-What are you doing?
-Nothing.
-You were masturbating.
-I was not.
-Yes, you were.
-Oh, all right, so shoot me. I was whacking off. That’s right. I was chocking the bishop, chafing the carrot. You know, saying “hi” to my monster.
-That’s disgusting.
-Well, excuse me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.
-So do I.
-Really? Well, I’m the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
-Lester, I refuse to live like this. This is not a marriage!
-This hasn’t been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what. I’ve changed. And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, cause you’re obviously not going to help me out in that department.
-Oh, I see. You think you’re the only one who’s sexually frustrated.
-I’m not? Well, then, come on, baby. I’m ready.
-Don’t you mess with me, mister. I’ll divorce you so fast, it’ll make your head spin.
-On what grounds? I’m not a drunk. I don’t fuck other women. I don’t mistreat you. I’ve never hit you. I don’t even try to touch you since you’ve made it so abundantly clear just how unnecessary you consider me to be! But. . . I did support you when you got your license. And some people might think that entitles me to half of what’s yours.
-Oh!
-So, turn out the light when you come back to bed, okay?

-It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you’ve forgotten about.

-Oh what is this? Fuckin’ gay pride parade?

-This is totally decent and it’s $300.
-Wow!
-This shit is top of the line. It’s called G-13. It’s genetically engineered by the U.S. government. It’s extremely potent, but a completely mellow high. No paranoia.
-Is that what we smoked last night?
-This is all I ever smoke.
-How much?
-Two grand.
-Jesus. Things have changed since 1973. Now I know how you can afford all this equipment. God, when I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to buy an eight-track.
-That sucks.
-No, actually, it was great. All I did was party and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me.
-My dad thinks I pay for all this with catering jobs. Never underestimate the power of denial.


There must be some way out of here
Said the joker to the thief.
There’s too much confusion
I can’t get no relief.

-I think using illegal psychotropic substances is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
-You’re one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.
-Uh! Lester, you have so much hostility in you!


-My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge and at least once a day retiring to the washroom so I can jerk off, while I fantasize about a life that doesn’t so closely resemble hell.
-Well you obviously have no interest in saving yourself.
-Brad, for 14 years, I’ve been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.
-Whatever. Management wants you gone by the end of the day.
-Well, just what sort of severance package is management prepared to offer me, considering the information I have about our editorial director buying pussy with company money? Which I think would interest the I.R.S., since it technically constitutes fraud. And I’m sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications might like to know about it as well, not to mention . . . his wife.
-What do you want?
-One year’s salary with benefits.
-That’s not going to happen.
-Well, what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot?
-Against who?
-Against you.
-Can you prove that you didn’t offer to save my job, if I let you blow me?
-Man, you are one twisted fuck.
-Nope, I’m just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.

-I’d like to fill out an application. There’s no jobs for manager. It’s just for counter.
-Good. I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.
-I don’t think you’d fit in here
-I have fast food experience.
-Yeah, like 20 years ago.
-Well, I’m sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won’t be able to learn.

-I got that homeless woman on videotape
-Why would you film that?
-Because it was amazing.
-What’s amazing about it?
-When you see something like that, it’s like God is looking right at you, just for a second, and if you’re careful, you can look right back.
-And what do you see?
-Beauty.

-You want to see the most beautiful thing I’ve ever filmed?
-It was one of those days where it’s a minute away from snowing and there was this electricity in the air. You can almost hear it. Right? And this bag was just dancing with me, like a little kid, begging me to play with it, for 15 minutes. That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know that there was no reason to be afraid . . . ever. Video's a poor excuse I know. But it helps me remember. I need to remember. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world. I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.

-I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it and I don't complain. And another thing. From now on, we're going to alternate our dinner music, because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - I am really tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.

-Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don’t you tell our daughter about it, honey?
-Janie, today, I quit my job. Then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost $60,000.
-Your father seems to think that this kind of behavior is something to be proud of.
-And your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a Mason jar under the sink.
-How dare you speak to me that way in front of her? And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me on the same day that you lose your job!
-I didn’t lose it. It’s not like, “Whoops, where did my job go?” I quit! Pass the asparagus.
-Oh, oh, oh, and I want to thank you for putting me under the added pressure of being the sole breadwinner now.
-I already have a job.
-No, no, no. Don’t give a second thought as to who’s going to pay the mortgage. We’ll leave it up to Carolyn. “You’re going to take care of everything now, Carolyn? Yes, don’t mind. Everything? You don’t mind having the sole responsibility? Your husband feels he can just quit his job, and you don’t –”
-Will someone please pass me the fucking asparagus?
-I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it and I don't complain.
-Don’t interrupt me honey.
-And another thing. From now on, we're going to alternate our dinner music, because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - I am really tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.


-Look, I wish that you hadn’t witnessed that awful scene tonight, but in a way, I’m glad.
-Why? So I could see what freaks you and Dad really are?
-No, I’m glad, because you’re old enough now to learn the most important lesson in life: you cannot count on anyone except yourself. You know it’s sad but true, and the sooner you learn it the better.

-This is for your own good, boy. You have no respect for other people's things and for authority. Can't just go around doing whatever you feel like. You can't. There are rules in life. You need structure. You need discipline.
-Yes sir, thank you for trying to teach me. Don't give up on me, Dad.

-Uh, whose car is that out front?
-Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird, the car I've always wanted, and now I have it. I rule!

-We have the whole house to ourselves. Christ Carolyn, when did you become so joyless?
-Joyless? I am not joyless. There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.
-What ever happened to that girl who used to fake seizures at frat parties when she got bored? Who used to run up to the roof of out first apartment building to flash the traffic helicopters? Have you totally forgotten about her? Because I haven't.
-Lester, you're going to spill beer on the couch.
-So what, it's just a couch.
-This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. This is not just a couch.
-It's just . . . a . . . couch! This isn't life! This is just stuff, and it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.
-.....
-I'm only trying to help you!

-I can’t believe you don’t know how beautiful you are.

-So tell me about being in the hospital.
-When I was 15, my dad caught me smoking dope. He totally freaked and decided to send me to military school. I told you this whole thing about structur and discipline, right? Well of course, I get kicked out. And my dad and I got into this huge fight. And the next day at school, some kid made a crack about my haircut, and I just snapped. I wanted to kill him. I would’ve . . . killed him. If they hadn’t pulled me off. That’s when my dad put me in the hospital. They drugged me up and left me in there for two years.
-Wait, I already hate my dad. He’s a total asshole, he’s got this crush on my friend Angela, and it’s disgusting.
-You’d rather he had the crush on you?
-Gross. No, but it’d be nice if I was anywhere as near as important to him as she is. I know you think my dad’s harmless, but you’re wrong. He’s doing massive psychological damage to me.
-How?
-Well, now I too, need structure, a little fucking discipline. I’m serious though. How could he not be damaging me? I need a father who’s a role model, not some horny geek boy who’s going to spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school. What a lame-o.

-Remember those posters that said, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”? Well, that’s true with every day except one – the day you die.

-You better watch yourself, Jane, or you’re going to turn into a real bitch just like your mother!

-Smile! You’re at Mr. Smiley’s! Would you like to try our new beef and cheese pot pie on a stick? Just $1.99 for a limited time only.
-We were just at a seminar. Buddy, this is my –
-Her husband. We’ve met before, but something tells me, you’re going to remember me this time.
-Whoa! You are so busted.
-You know, this really doesn’t concern you.
-Well, actually, Janine is senior drive-thru manager, so you are on her turf. So, this makes sense.
-Oh Lester-
-Honey, it’s okay. I want you to be happy. Would you like Smiley Sauce with that?
-Lester, just stop it!
-No, no. No. You don’t get to tell me what to do, ever again.

-So you and psycho boy are fucking on like a regular basis, now, right?
-No.
-Come on. You can tell me. Does he have a big dick?
-Look, I’m not going to talk about his dick with you, okay? It’s not like that.
-Not like what? Doesn’t he have one? Why don’t you want to talk about it? I mean, I tell you about every detail about every guy that I fuck.
-Yeah. Maybe you shouldn’t, all right? Maybe I don’t really want to hear about all that.
-Oh so, now that you have a boyfriend, you’re, like, above it? We got to get you a real man.

-Where did you get that?
-From my job.
-Don’t lie to me. Now I saw you with him.
-You were watching me?
-What does he make you do?
-Oh. Ha ha. Dad, you don’t really think me and Mr. Burnham—
-Don’t you laugh at me! I will not sit back and watch my only son become a cocksucker!
-Jesus, what is it with you?
-I swear to God, I’ll throw you out of this house and never look at you again!
-You mean that.
-You’re damn straight I do! I’d rather you were dead than be a fuckin’ faggot!
-You’re right. I suck dick for money.
-Boy, don’t start.
-Two thousand dollars, I’m that good.
-Get out!
-You should see me fuck. I’m the best piece of ass in three states.
-Damn it, get out! I don’t ever want to see you again.
-What a sad, old man you are.
-Get out.

-Only by taking full responsibility for your actions and their solutions will you ever break free from the constant cycle of victimhood. You are only a victim if you choose to be a victim. We all have the power. I refuse to be a victim. When this becomes your mantra, you have achieved Me-Centered Living.
-I refuse to be a victim!


-If I had to leave tonight, would you come with me?
-What?
-If I had to go to New York to live, tonight, would you come with me?
-Yes
-You guys can’t be serious. You’re just a kid, and he’s like a mental case. You’ll end up in a box on the street.
-I’m no more a kid than you are. We can use my plastic surgery money.
-We won’t have to. I have over $40,000. I know people in the city that can help us get set up.
-What other drug dealers?
-Yes.
-Jane, you’d be out of your mind to go with him.
-Why do you even care?
-Because you’re my friend.
-She’s not your friend. She’s someone you use to feel better about yourself.
-Go fuck yourself psycho!
-Hey, shut up, bitch!
-Jane, he’s a freak!
-Well, then so am I! And we’ll always be freaks, and we’ll never be like other people! And you’ll never be a freak, ‘cause you’re just . . . too perfect!
-Yeah, well, at least I’m not ugly.
-Yes, you are. And you’re boring, and you’re totally ordinary, and you know it.
-You two deserve each other.

-Your wife is with another man, and you don’t care?
-Nope, our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are, when we’re anything but.

-How’s Jane?
-What do you mean?
-I mean, how’s her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I’d really like to know, and she’d die before she’d ever tell me about it.
-She’s, she’s really happy. She thinks she’s in love.
-Good for her.
-How are you?
-It’s been a long time since anybody asked me that. I’m great.

-I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry. You will someday.

Kim 6:40 PM |