I Am Me

Wednesday, May 19

"You're meant to be together. You're like a fat girl and a cat - it just works!"
- That 70's Show

Kim 7:16 PM |

Thursday, May 13

My favorite quotes from the movie, Get Real

And, for those of you who have no idea what I'm referring to, click here for more info.

Get Real - Anonymous
I’m a pupil at this school, I’m 16 & I’m gay. Someone once wrote that one’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead. I wish that I could real my real life. I am writing this article because I’m angry. And because I want to impress on all of you parents that your assumption that your children are heterosexual may be causing them pain.

I’m very proud, very grateful to have won for the school but I feel a bit of a fraud, I wrote about growing up as I imagined it must be for all of you. But there was another article written which was to have been printed in the school magazine, but it was censored. It was about a young guy who just happened to be gay. I wrote that article. I wish you could have read it so you could understand. I’m sick of feeling totally alone. I want to have friends who like me for who I am. I want to be part of a family who love me for who I am and not someone who I pretend to be to keep their love. I’m sick of hiding and being sad and scared. Have you any idea? There must be more of you who feel like this – like I do – frightened to speak out.
Thanks for proving my point.
I’m gay. Sorry mum, dad. But you can bet your life you aren’t the only parents out there with a gay son. It’s only love. What’s everyone so scared of? Thanks for listening.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Randy: Weren’t you listening in there, Jess? Careful, don’t know what you might catch. Forget him. He’s a –
Jess: What? A poof, queer, faggot? Anything else you can think of?
Mum: I’ll tell you what else he is. He’s my son, and I’m very proud of him. And if you do anything to hurt him, I’ll have your bollocks for earrings.

Kim 11:32 AM |

And the Oscar goes to. . . Bowling For Columbine, Michael Moore & Michael Donovan!

On behalf of our producers Kathleen Gwen & Michael Donovan from Canada, I'd like to thank the Academy for this. I've invited my fellow documentary nominess up on the stage with us and they are here in solidarity with me, because we like nonfiction. We like nonfiction, and we live in fictitious times. We live in the time where we have fictious election results that elect a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons, whether it's the fictition of duct tape, or the fictition of orange alerts. We are against this war, Mr. Bush! Shame on you, Mr. Bush! Shame on you. And any time you've got the Pope & Dixie Chicks against ya, your time is up! Thank you very much!

Kim 8:03 AM |

Shinedown-45

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Staring down the barrel of a 45

Kim 7:46 AM |

The Tweekerchick's away message:
Things that Suck: People dying, Cramps, Finals, Friends who dont get back to you when your worried.
Things that Dont suck: Beer, my heterolifemate, Kim, Jen, Potatoes, This is Spinal Tap, and commericals about natural male enhancement.
Leave one.

Yay!!!! I don't suck anymore.... wait, that didn't sound right, at ALL. Heh, whoops!

Things to keep in mind:
1) The Tweekerchick needs some serious lovin' so nobody give her any shit for the rest of the month. Same goes for the Heterolifemate...LOL.
2) Beer can be a great friend, but the next day... it could be the DEVIL!!!!!
3) People who call me thinking I'm ACES at 1:47 in the morning, should either a) eat shit and die, or b) be prepared to face the consequences of me trying to hunt them down with a car...
4) Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.
5) I hate having to deal with Finals and saying good bye to my friends forever - or at least until August.... Boo!

Kim 1:41 AM |

Wednesday, May 12

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to
have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.....Nobody
bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our
oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, Louisiana and Oklahoma.

Our dipsticks are in Washington DC.
----------------------------------------
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. While she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer orders her to exit the car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
He shrugged. "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
--------------------------------------------------------
How To Get Out of A Ticket
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
-----------------------------------------------------
"To be Ozzie Osbourne, it's not so bad. It could be worse.I could be Sting."
-Ozzie Osbourne
-------------------------------------------------------
How to annoy the IRS
1. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

2. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

3. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

5. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

6. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

7. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money.

8. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

9. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

10. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack.

11. If they owe you money, being nice helps.
------------------------------------------------
"Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed."
-Brad Pitt
---------------------------------------------------
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:


When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be Loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Kim 9:02 PM |

Tuesday, May 11

Squirrels with ADD
need to really chill out or increase their prescription, because they're really freaking me out.

Kim 8:48 PM |

Sunday, May 9

I know, you are probably all wondering what happened to her website. Well, The Tweeker Chick happened.
Now you can see what I got Kim for her 21st...No friend of mine is going to have a dull template to post their colorful thoughts on.
Some links and some more color, and a suprise guest post.
Happy birthday.

The Tweeker Chick

Kim 11:29 AM |

Saturday, May 8

Audioslave
I Am The Highway

Pearls that swim the rift of me
long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
alone in the hills
no sorrow I feel
for anything I feel, yeah.

I am not your rolling wheels
I am a highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky.

Friends and Liars
don't wait for me
cause I'll get on
all by myself
put millions of miles
under my heels
and still too close to you
I feel.

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the sky here
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
the night.

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet rag
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your ottoman
I am the night.

Kim 1:56 AM |

Thursday, May 6

This kinda sums up my feelings and experiences from my birthday, yesterday. (Feel free to comment below)

Why Don't You & I
Since the moment I spotted you,
Like walking around with little wings on my shoes,
My stomach's filled with the butterflies,

Ooh, and it's all right,
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud,
I'd got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down,
If I'd said I didn't like it then you'd know I lied,

Everytime I try to talk to you,
I get tongue-tied,
It turns out that everything I say to you,
Comes out wrong and never comes out right.

So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and take on the world and be together forever,
Heads we will, Tails we'll try again,
So I'll say why don't you and I,
Hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven,
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in.

When's this fever going to break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take,
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around,

Ooh, and it's all right,
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud,
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down,
If I'd said I didn't like it then you'd know I lied.

Everytime I try to talk to you,
I get tongue-tied,
It turns out that everything I say to you,
Comes out wrong and never comes out right.

So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and take on the world and be together forever,
Heads we will, Tails we'll try again,
So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven,
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in.

Slowly I begin to realize,
This is never going to end
Right about the same time you walk by,
And I say 'Oh here we go again',
Oh!

Everytime I try to talk to you,
I get tongue-tied,
It turns out that everything I say to you,
Comes out wrong and never comes out right.

So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and take on the world and be together forever,
Heads we will, Tails we'll try again,
So I'll say why don't you and I,
Get together and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven,
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in.

So I'll say why don't You and I,
Get together and take on the world and be together forever,
Heads we will, Tails we'll try again,
So I'll say you why don't You and I,
Get together and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven,
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in.


-Santana feat. Chad Kroeger from Nickelback

Kim 10:51 AM |

Wednesday, May 5

Today is my 21st birthday. Last night, around midnightish...I had some excellent fun with Sarah and Karl (and eventually Jen came over, too) until about 1:30 in the morning. Usually, I drink hard liquor...so when I had 2 beers last night, well, for some reason, I felt them pretty hard and fast. Heh. Annnnnnnnyways, I discovered that Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade is really quite delicious, even though I despise cranberries. Hmmm. Interesting.

Jen is this fabulous woman, who was really upset because she didn't know what to do with her life, in respect to anything, and everything. So she consulted Adam, who promptly ditched her at Amy's beck and call. God, we all definitely despise this bitch. And I don't know why adam still thinks she's respectable. The little skank needs to be put in her place. Anyhoo, my point is, last night Jen needed some consolation, you know - everything is gonna be ok, you'll figure your life out eventually, but nooooo - adam was being a cum-sucking asshole last night. Yeah. I said it. I'm sorry, but when adam is around amy, he just turns into a douche bag, seriously. and he had no right to take it out on our wonderful Jen. Well, Jen, you WILL figure things out, and eveything WILL be ok. and I'm not just saying it, for shits. you will be this awesome successful woman. Christ, you already are a really successful person. You're gonna graduate from college, you have some really awesome relationships with your friends and your mom, and you know, I think in life, that's the stuff that counts. It doesn't matter how many diplomas you have on your wall. It only matters how much love you share with other people in this world from your heart.

Also, I was sad that Clare wasn't there, but I understand she was busy with schoolwork and other shit. Besides, she's coming out with us on Friday...ooh. I'm so excited for this weekend! Even though it really is going to SUCK big time having to be at work at 7 in the morning on Saturday...oh well, I'll make it, somehow.

Meanwhile the next 3 days are going to be really difficult for me. First of all, today I am hungover... and I don't wanna leave my room, but I know I have no suitable alternative. I have to go to class today, and then on my lunch break, I'm studyin math with Karl. But, after classes, I have this interview with this Domestic Abuse Center in downtown Rock Island. I need to be perky and upbeat for that, I guess.

Too bad, I am feeling too blasé to take a shower. Grrrr. And, I have a math test and an econ quiz on Friday. Those are both gonna suck, bigtime. Which is why I am drinking Friday night. Oh my god, I just want to sleep. And drink. I wish it was Friday night, but also that I wouldn't have to go to work on Saturday. BOO. I don't know how I'll make it through the next couple of days.

But yay - I finally turned 21! :-)

Kim 7:13 AM |

Monday, May 3

Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want. Then post this to your journal and see what people remember of you.

*Kim

Kim 1:12 AM |

South Park movie

How come our moms arrested Terrance & Phillip?
-Well, your moms are just upset. They're probably on their periods or something.
--Mr. Garrison, Wendy & I think that was a sexist statement.
-Well, I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

What would Brian Boitano?

Kim 12:34 AM |

Sunday, May 2

Pay It Forward movie quotes

I'm not worth it.

Why?

Trust me. You wouldn't understand.

Do me a favor. Save my life.

Is the world just shit?

Sorry. I think I made a mistake.
-Everybody makes mistakes.

You don't care.
-Yes I do. I will always care about you.
--Yeah you're my teacher. They pay you to.

We're all weak. Here's the thing, though. I forgive you.

Some people are too scared to think things could be different. The world's not exactly shit.

When people give up, everybody kinda loses.

I don't want to spend another second of wasted air.

It's your big chance to fix something that's not like your bike. You can fix a person.

-Pay It Forward

Gosh, I always cry at the end of this movie.

Kim 11:35 PM |

American Beauty Quotes

Usually, a movie only has a few good quotes. American Beauty is quite the exception, though. These quotes represent almost the entire script. Enjoy it. . . I know I did!

My name is Lester Burnham. This is my life. I’m 42 years old. In less than a year, I’ll be dead. Of course, I don’t know that yet. And in a way, I’m dead already.

That’s my wife Carolyn. See the way the handle on those pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That’s not an accident.

Our daughter, Jane. Only child. Jane’s a pretty typical teenager. Anger, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that’s all going to pass, but I don’t want to lie to her.

-Jane, honey, are you trying to look unattractive?
-Yes.
-Congratulations, you’ve succeeded admirably.

Both my wife and my daughter think I’m this gigantic loser. And they’re right. I have lost something. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I know I didn’t always feel this . . . sedated. But you know what? It’s never too late to get it back.

-There is no decision. You just write the damn thing.
-You don’t think it’s weird and kind of fascist?
-Possibly. But you don’t want to be unemployed.
-Well, all right. Let’s just all sell our souls and work for Satan ‘cause it’s more convenient that way.

-Their sycamore? Come on. A substantial portion of the root structure was on our property. I wouldn’t have the heart to just cut down something if it wasn’t partially mine, which, of course, it was.

-The ad said this pool was lagoon-like. There’s nothing lagoon-like about it. Except for maybe the bugs. There aren’t even any plants out here.
-What do you call this? Is this not a plant? If you have a problem with the plants, I can always call my landscape architect. Solved.
-I think “lagoon”, I think waterfall, tropical. This is a cement hole. Uh, I have some tiki torches in the garage.

-Could he be any more . . . pathetic?
-I think he’s sweet. And I think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time.

-It’s the weirdest thing. I feel like I’ve been in a coma for about 20 years . . . and I’m just now waking up.

-Spec-tac-ular

-What’s new in the world, Dad?
-This country is going straight to hell.

-Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood. It’s nice to meet you. This is my partner, Jim Berkeley.
-Let’s cut to the chase, ok? What are you guys selling?
-Nothing, we just wanted to say hi to our new neighbors.
-You said you’re partners, so what’s your business?
-Well, he is a tax attorney, and I am an anesthesiologist.

-How come these faggots always have to rub it in your face? How can they be so shameless?
-That’s the whole thing, Dad. They don’t feel that’s anything to be ashamed of.
-Well, it is.
-Yeah, you’re right.
-Don’t placate me like I’m your mother, boy.
-Forgive me, sir, for speaking so bluntly, but those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out.
-Well, me too, son. Yeah. Me too.

-So, did you do it with him?
-Of course I did. He’s a really well known photographer. It would’ve been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down.
-You are a total prostitute.
-Hey, that’s how things really are. You just don’t know because you’re this pampered little suburban chick.
-So are you. You’ve only been in Seventeen once, and you looked fat. So stop acting like you’re goddamn Christy Turlington!
-Cunt! . . . I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.

-And then one day, he was just, like, gone. And then Connie Cardullo told me that his parents had to put him in a mental institution.
-Why, what did he do?
-What do you mean?
-Well, they can’t put you away just for saying weird things.
-You total slut. You’ve got a crush on him. You want to have like 10,000 of his babies.

-Hi, my name is Ricky. I just moved in next door to you.
-I know. I kind of remember this creepy incident where you were filing me last night?
-I didn’t mean to scare you. I just think you’re interesting.
-Thanks, but I really don’t need to have some psycho obsessing about me right now.
-I’m not obsessing, I’m just curious.

-He’s like so confident. That can’t be real.
-I don’t believe him. I mean, he didn’t even, like, look at me, once.

-Honey, do me a favor and say whatever you want to say and spare me the propaganda.

-Honey, don’t be weird.
-All right, honey, I won’t be weird. I’ll be whatever you want me to be . . . We have a very healthy relationship. Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I need a drink.

-Do you party?
-Excuse me?
-Do you get high?

-What are you doing?
-Nothing.
-You were masturbating.
-I was not.
-Yes, you were.
-Oh, all right, so shoot me. I was whacking off. That’s right. I was chocking the bishop, chafing the carrot. You know, saying “hi” to my monster.
-That’s disgusting.
-Well, excuse me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.
-So do I.
-Really? Well, I’m the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
-Lester, I refuse to live like this. This is not a marriage!
-This hasn’t been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what. I’ve changed. And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, cause you’re obviously not going to help me out in that department.
-Oh, I see. You think you’re the only one who’s sexually frustrated.
-I’m not? Well, then, come on, baby. I’m ready.
-Don’t you mess with me, mister. I’ll divorce you so fast, it’ll make your head spin.
-On what grounds? I’m not a drunk. I don’t fuck other women. I don’t mistreat you. I’ve never hit you. I don’t even try to touch you since you’ve made it so abundantly clear just how unnecessary you consider me to be! But. . . I did support you when you got your license. And some people might think that entitles me to half of what’s yours.
-Oh!
-So, turn out the light when you come back to bed, okay?

-It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you’ve forgotten about.

-Oh what is this? Fuckin’ gay pride parade?

-This is totally decent and it’s $300.
-Wow!
-This shit is top of the line. It’s called G-13. It’s genetically engineered by the U.S. government. It’s extremely potent, but a completely mellow high. No paranoia.
-Is that what we smoked last night?
-This is all I ever smoke.
-How much?
-Two grand.
-Jesus. Things have changed since 1973. Now I know how you can afford all this equipment. God, when I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to buy an eight-track.
-That sucks.
-No, actually, it was great. All I did was party and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me.
-My dad thinks I pay for all this with catering jobs. Never underestimate the power of denial.


There must be some way out of here
Said the joker to the thief.
There’s too much confusion
I can’t get no relief.

-I think using illegal psychotropic substances is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
-You’re one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.
-Uh! Lester, you have so much hostility in you!


-My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge and at least once a day retiring to the washroom so I can jerk off, while I fantasize about a life that doesn’t so closely resemble hell.
-Well you obviously have no interest in saving yourself.
-Brad, for 14 years, I’ve been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.
-Whatever. Management wants you gone by the end of the day.
-Well, just what sort of severance package is management prepared to offer me, considering the information I have about our editorial director buying pussy with company money? Which I think would interest the I.R.S., since it technically constitutes fraud. And I’m sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications might like to know about it as well, not to mention . . . his wife.
-What do you want?
-One year’s salary with benefits.
-That’s not going to happen.
-Well, what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot?
-Against who?
-Against you.
-Can you prove that you didn’t offer to save my job, if I let you blow me?
-Man, you are one twisted fuck.
-Nope, I’m just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.

-I’d like to fill out an application. There’s no jobs for manager. It’s just for counter.
-Good. I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.
-I don’t think you’d fit in here
-I have fast food experience.
-Yeah, like 20 years ago.
-Well, I’m sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won’t be able to learn.

-I got that homeless woman on videotape
-Why would you film that?
-Because it was amazing.
-What’s amazing about it?
-When you see something like that, it’s like God is looking right at you, just for a second, and if you’re careful, you can look right back.
-And what do you see?
-Beauty.

-You want to see the most beautiful thing I’ve ever filmed?
-It was one of those days where it’s a minute away from snowing and there was this electricity in the air. You can almost hear it. Right? And this bag was just dancing with me, like a little kid, begging me to play with it, for 15 minutes. That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know that there was no reason to be afraid . . . ever. Video's a poor excuse I know. But it helps me remember. I need to remember. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world. I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.

-I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it and I don't complain. And another thing. From now on, we're going to alternate our dinner music, because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - I am really tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.

-Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don’t you tell our daughter about it, honey?
-Janie, today, I quit my job. Then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost $60,000.
-Your father seems to think that this kind of behavior is something to be proud of.
-And your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a Mason jar under the sink.
-How dare you speak to me that way in front of her? And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me on the same day that you lose your job!
-I didn’t lose it. It’s not like, “Whoops, where did my job go?” I quit! Pass the asparagus.
-Oh, oh, oh, and I want to thank you for putting me under the added pressure of being the sole breadwinner now.
-I already have a job.
-No, no, no. Don’t give a second thought as to who’s going to pay the mortgage. We’ll leave it up to Carolyn. “You’re going to take care of everything now, Carolyn? Yes, don’t mind. Everything? You don’t mind having the sole responsibility? Your husband feels he can just quit his job, and you don’t –”
-Will someone please pass me the fucking asparagus?
-I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it and I don't complain.
-Don’t interrupt me honey.
-And another thing. From now on, we're going to alternate our dinner music, because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - I am really tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.


-Look, I wish that you hadn’t witnessed that awful scene tonight, but in a way, I’m glad.
-Why? So I could see what freaks you and Dad really are?
-No, I’m glad, because you’re old enough now to learn the most important lesson in life: you cannot count on anyone except yourself. You know it’s sad but true, and the sooner you learn it the better.

-This is for your own good, boy. You have no respect for other people's things and for authority. Can't just go around doing whatever you feel like. You can't. There are rules in life. You need structure. You need discipline.
-Yes sir, thank you for trying to teach me. Don't give up on me, Dad.

-Uh, whose car is that out front?
-Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird, the car I've always wanted, and now I have it. I rule!

-We have the whole house to ourselves. Christ Carolyn, when did you become so joyless?
-Joyless? I am not joyless. There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.
-What ever happened to that girl who used to fake seizures at frat parties when she got bored? Who used to run up to the roof of out first apartment building to flash the traffic helicopters? Have you totally forgotten about her? Because I haven't.
-Lester, you're going to spill beer on the couch.
-So what, it's just a couch.
-This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. This is not just a couch.
-It's just . . . a . . . couch! This isn't life! This is just stuff, and it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.
-.....
-I'm only trying to help you!

-I can’t believe you don’t know how beautiful you are.

-So tell me about being in the hospital.
-When I was 15, my dad caught me smoking dope. He totally freaked and decided to send me to military school. I told you this whole thing about structur and discipline, right? Well of course, I get kicked out. And my dad and I got into this huge fight. And the next day at school, some kid made a crack about my haircut, and I just snapped. I wanted to kill him. I would’ve . . . killed him. If they hadn’t pulled me off. That’s when my dad put me in the hospital. They drugged me up and left me in there for two years.
-Wait, I already hate my dad. He’s a total asshole, he’s got this crush on my friend Angela, and it’s disgusting.
-You’d rather he had the crush on you?
-Gross. No, but it’d be nice if I was anywhere as near as important to him as she is. I know you think my dad’s harmless, but you’re wrong. He’s doing massive psychological damage to me.
-How?
-Well, now I too, need structure, a little fucking discipline. I’m serious though. How could he not be damaging me? I need a father who’s a role model, not some horny geek boy who’s going to spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school. What a lame-o.

-Remember those posters that said, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”? Well, that’s true with every day except one – the day you die.

-You better watch yourself, Jane, or you’re going to turn into a real bitch just like your mother!

-Smile! You’re at Mr. Smiley’s! Would you like to try our new beef and cheese pot pie on a stick? Just $1.99 for a limited time only.
-We were just at a seminar. Buddy, this is my –
-Her husband. We’ve met before, but something tells me, you’re going to remember me this time.
-Whoa! You are so busted.
-You know, this really doesn’t concern you.
-Well, actually, Janine is senior drive-thru manager, so you are on her turf. So, this makes sense.
-Oh Lester-
-Honey, it’s okay. I want you to be happy. Would you like Smiley Sauce with that?
-Lester, just stop it!
-No, no. No. You don’t get to tell me what to do, ever again.

-So you and psycho boy are fucking on like a regular basis, now, right?
-No.
-Come on. You can tell me. Does he have a big dick?
-Look, I’m not going to talk about his dick with you, okay? It’s not like that.
-Not like what? Doesn’t he have one? Why don’t you want to talk about it? I mean, I tell you about every detail about every guy that I fuck.
-Yeah. Maybe you shouldn’t, all right? Maybe I don’t really want to hear about all that.
-Oh so, now that you have a boyfriend, you’re, like, above it? We got to get you a real man.

-Where did you get that?
-From my job.
-Don’t lie to me. Now I saw you with him.
-You were watching me?
-What does he make you do?
-Oh. Ha ha. Dad, you don’t really think me and Mr. Burnham—
-Don’t you laugh at me! I will not sit back and watch my only son become a cocksucker!
-Jesus, what is it with you?
-I swear to God, I’ll throw you out of this house and never look at you again!
-You mean that.
-You’re damn straight I do! I’d rather you were dead than be a fuckin’ faggot!
-You’re right. I suck dick for money.
-Boy, don’t start.
-Two thousand dollars, I’m that good.
-Get out!
-You should see me fuck. I’m the best piece of ass in three states.
-Damn it, get out! I don’t ever want to see you again.
-What a sad, old man you are.
-Get out.

-Only by taking full responsibility for your actions and their solutions will you ever break free from the constant cycle of victimhood. You are only a victim if you choose to be a victim. We all have the power. I refuse to be a victim. When this becomes your mantra, you have achieved Me-Centered Living.
-I refuse to be a victim!


-If I had to leave tonight, would you come with me?
-What?
-If I had to go to New York to live, tonight, would you come with me?
-Yes
-You guys can’t be serious. You’re just a kid, and he’s like a mental case. You’ll end up in a box on the street.
-I’m no more a kid than you are. We can use my plastic surgery money.
-We won’t have to. I have over $40,000. I know people in the city that can help us get set up.
-What other drug dealers?
-Yes.
-Jane, you’d be out of your mind to go with him.
-Why do you even care?
-Because you’re my friend.
-She’s not your friend. She’s someone you use to feel better about yourself.
-Go fuck yourself psycho!
-Hey, shut up, bitch!
-Jane, he’s a freak!
-Well, then so am I! And we’ll always be freaks, and we’ll never be like other people! And you’ll never be a freak, ‘cause you’re just . . . too perfect!
-Yeah, well, at least I’m not ugly.
-Yes, you are. And you’re boring, and you’re totally ordinary, and you know it.
-You two deserve each other.

-Your wife is with another man, and you don’t care?
-Nope, our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are, when we’re anything but.

-How’s Jane?
-What do you mean?
-I mean, how’s her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I’d really like to know, and she’d die before she’d ever tell me about it.
-She’s, she’s really happy. She thinks she’s in love.
-Good for her.
-How are you?
-It’s been a long time since anybody asked me that. I’m great.

-I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry. You will someday.

Kim 6:40 PM |